illuminations

I went back and read most of my old postings, and they all seem rather morose. I decided that the only times that I feel like writing on my blog are when I am feeling a little down, hence the pessimistic undertones of it's entries. SO, I feel the need to clarify something:

I am on the adventure of a lifetime. This is the most exciting thing I have done/ will ever do and I am having the best time doing it. Yes, there are times when I question it all, but hey, I question everything. This journey is the single best thing I have ever done for myself. From now on I vow to continually thank myself for being brave enough to do it, and to not waste any one minute of it.

I mentioned to someone via facebook chat earlier today that sometimes I felt like I am just wasting time waiting for something to happen. In all actuality, this is the first time in my life that I am not just waiting for something to happen, I am actively searching for an opportunity to make something happen. Also, this is certainly the most fun I have ever had wasting time, if that is in fact what I am doing. I wonder if any of this makes sense.

new (and revisited) inspirations...

NEW:

1. Opening scene to Midnight Cowboy
2. Laura Veirs
3. Stellar Jays
4. Vick's Vapo Rub
5. Alice Munro's short stories


REVISITED:

1. Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine ("if there was a better way than it would find me")
2. Grits
3. Dawson's Creek
4. The Rape of Europa
5. Lauri's paintings

Still Stuck

I have spent almost day on skype with Katherine watching the sun change the shade of the blanket covering my bed. 

I am frustrated by my pneumonia.

I am hoping that by tomorrow the wheezing will have mostly subsided and I will be well enough to pack all of my belongings and leave the following morning. 

My eagerness to get back on the road has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of my stay in Summer Home Park. This summer has been absolutely unforgettable. Though I have spoken of them before, I feel as though the characters of the summer of 2010 deserve some more attention:


Mark's beautiful poetry, our shared love of nature, and our unique and pulsating friendship is something like I have not experienced before. Kelly, a puppy dog of a man, was an excellent dance partner and the source of the majority of my laughs this summer (both 'at' and 'with'). Kathleen and Olivia, my thirteen year olds who reminded me that acting like a grown up isn't always necessary. Lauri and Michael and Jonah and Scout, who have become my second family and reinforced my ideas about the necessity of being your own person. Mike, the motorcyclin' bouncer from the city, Kyle, the silent but steady sidekick, Mark Hall, Olivia's "unbelievably gorgeous" brother (Sorry about that, Mark Hall), Kevin, my boss with the laugh you could hear from a mile away, Kaitie, Kevin's daughter who was the only welcoming girl my age, the hilarious Miller boys, the Stephens and their funny entrances with foreign garb, Sue, the ex doobie brother's groupie, and many, many others made this the summer of all summers.

Kevin told me to email him in March to let him know if I wanted to work next year... We will see.

My confidence in this whole epic journey waivers quite often. I occasionally forget why I started this (like now, why did I start this?) and am constantly wondering what I am trying to achieve, and when I am going to be satisfied enough to stop. The only thing I keep coming back to is that I am searching for something, I don't know what it is, and I can't stop until its discovered/realized.

I am still thinly connected to things and people that Virginia owns, but I can feel its grip loosening as each day goes by. 

I wonder when I will have a 'home' again. 

Stuck

I mentioned in my previous post that I am feverish. The fever I am currently experiencing is from the pneumonia that I have probably had for about a week now, but was just confirmed last night.

This means, of course, that I am stuck in Summer Home Park, in bed, for at least a few more days. Lauri is playing mom to me, and letting me stay at her house, which unlike mine contains a real bed, a kitchen, and an indoor shower. Though I appreciate her kindness, this house has no privacy, something that I already sorely miss.

I was supposed to leave for Portland this morning. I used all of this morning's energy to shower, there is no way an 11 hour drive is even remotely possible.

Eventually I would like to write about my last weekend in Forestville, (yes, there were tears) but now it is time to rest again.

i think i need to go back to europe...

I have decided in my feverish state that I must return to Europe. My new travel plans:

Portland --> Montana --> Europe

Sounds just about perfect.

Portland in three weeks.

Due to my host's refusal to let me commit to less than a three months stay, I decided to head up to Portland after labor day. I have officially signed up for my class.

I went to the Sonoma fair with Olivia the other day (y'know the 13 year old), and we had the grandest of times. I know its real lame to hang out with a 13 year old as much as I do, but if you met her you would surely understand. I feel like I am the thirteen year old that I never was when I am around her, and well, she is one of the funniest people I have ever met. We rode rides, played games, watched horse races, I got my palm read, ate chocolate bacon and a variety of other interesting foods, and went home happy.

A few days ago I went to Fort Ross. Here I am on top of a rock that looks like a walrus (or so my mother thinks).

Though you certainly can't tell from the picture, Fort Ross is an exquisitely beautiful locale. I think I would like to return to Northern California one day. I love the climate and the combination of mountains and oceans and trees. I think going to Portland is going to be kind of a shock for me at first because I am not used to being anywhere near the city. I have grown accustomed to seeing more trees than people on a daily basis. Nonetheless, I am terribly excited!

I kill big bugs now,

and jump off really tall things into water.

Also,

I feel compelled to keep moving north after labor day. I found this nationally renowned writer's workshop in Portland and Justin has invited me to come live with him and his girlfriend for free while I am taking the class.

Two days ago a woman named Basha (a friend of Ruth, the woman I am staying with) called me to ask if I would come live at her farm in Marin and take care of her goats, chickens, cats, koi fish, and parrots for two months. I would have my own bedroom and bathroom, and would not have to pay rent. Two weeks ago, an artist friend of Lauri's who lives in Sebastopol asked if I wanted to come work for him and sublet a place nearby for 300$ a month. Neither place is North.

When I told my new friend Mark about the opportunity he was terribly upset that I would even consider working for another artist rather than pursuing my own art and writing. I was flattered, but it is not making my decision any easier; I am kind of terrified of being in a position where I am able, and even expected to work on my own art.

I have to tell Basha tomorrow whether I will be housesitting or moving North after labor day.